You are a Fucking Rainbow!

“You’re as colourful as a rainbow.

You’re as bright as the moon.

Everyone can see your halo.

Everybody but you.”

Through tears running down my face, I tried to focus on the lyrics. Willing and begging myself to stop crying. I couldn’t. The more I tried the more tears flooded my eyes.

I tried to speak but my words didn’t make sense. I didn’t make sense. I sat in the communal space in the office, silently screaming for someone to come and rescue me. For someone to scoop me up and take me away to safety.

I replayed the song over and over hoping it would fix me. Instead it got worse. My body was taken over by someone that wasn’t me. I was watching from the outside looking in, wishing someone would help.

That day I had a panic attack. The first I have had in public. It was triggered from words exchanged by someone who should have been supportive. They should have made me feel protected not like I was worthless and a burden.

It triggered a mental breakdown. The first one I have ever had. I couldn’t string a sentence together properly. I’d forgotten how to do simple tasks. I remember staring down at a tube of lip balm not having a clue how the hell to open it.

After a couple of weeks went by I tried to focus my mind on bettering myself. I would walk on the treadmill at home and try and gather my thoughts. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I remember walking on the treadmill, screaming inside. My skin crawling. I wanted to rip my own head off. I was itching in my own body and I wanted to get out. I was broken and I didn’t know how to get back to me again. I realised I was depressed because I was so anxious all the time.

It took me around four weeks to be strong enough to have a conversation about returning to work. After that conversation I quit my job. I was made to feel unwanted and that my mental health was ruining the team. As you can imagine working yourself up to even having that conversation was tough, and to be met with such negativity made me fall apart. They took my strength away again and I was mad at them and myself for letting it happen.

As much as they claim they didn’t force me to quit, let’s face it my life would have been made hell if I hadn’t. During my notice period I was made to feel like shit and that I didn’t exist, I wasn’t about to put myself through that every day. We all know the term ‘managing out’ and that would have happened to me. I’m not stupid.

I am so grateful for my family and my amazing bestie as without them I don’t think I would still be here. I am doing so much better now. I’m still a little broken and I think I will be for a while but I am feeling like me again. I am happy. The small things like sitting outside in the sunshine are making me happy again and I am so grateful for that.

When someone doesn’t understand mental health part of me is glad as they obviously do not suffer from it, but the other part of me is mad. Mad, that when they are in a position of power they should do everything they can to educate themselves and not make you feel like you are nothing. Knowing how to speak with someone with a mental illness can make or break them. Just read something on the internet, just one article, anything.

I wanted to share my story so if you are going through a tough time please get support and know that it will get better. I had to increase my medication with the doctor. It didn’t make me feel great, but if I had a headache I would take meds for that.

If you need to take time away from work do it. Yes, we need money but your health is so much more important. We can’t keep going in a fog, we need a clear path in front of us.

I am fed up of people with mental health issues not getting enough support. People make out we are lying or wanting attention. Attention when you have anxiety is the last thing you want. Trust me when I say I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

The lyrics I wrote at the start are a song called Rainbow by Meghan Trainor. It was only recently that I have been able to listen to this song without it taking me back to that day and ending up in tears. Now I sing it super loud and know that, I have got this! I am a fucking rainbow!!!! We are the best rainbows.

Please reach out if you need help. Speak with a professional or someone you know. It isn't always easy but we need to ask for help.