I've always been vocal about having exciting things planned is what I live for. I mean, I’m not wanting to be out and about in the world every weekend (the absolute horror), I am a firm believer in doing nothing sometimes. Having future plans gives me something to focus on and be excited about.
If I’m having a shit day I think of what I have coming up and it makes me smile again. It’s joyful and triumphant. I truly believe that always having a holiday booked is the key to a happy life and I will fight anyone on this. You have been warned.
I don’t think I have ever mentioned this before but I absolutely love Christmas and New York (shocked aint ya), combining the two is an absolute dream and one I don’t wish to be woken from. Back the fuck up huns, leave me be.
As the world and its dog knows, I went to New York again last month and having New York at Christmastime to look forward to for the whole year had me absolutely buzzing off my tits pretty much every day. Especially as I was lucky enough to have been twice before, I’m a greedy bitch ain't I!
Sadly, when you struggle with your mental health even having incredible things in the pipeline doesn’t stop you from being sad sometimes. It hurts my heart and soul and sometimes my whole body.
It makes me feel ungrateful that I am not bouncing off the walls every single second. I was beating myself up that I wasn't grinning from ear to ear. I'd often give myself a pep talk, like, "you’re going to New York in a few weeks Nik. It’s Christmas, it’s going to be magical and you were super excited a second ago, buck up your ideas and get your shit together."
But, sometimes huns we cannot get out shit together. Our shit is so far all over the place it will take an army to gather into one place never mind put it in order. Sheesh!
When your life is finally falling in to place but you are still struggling is normal. We aren’t having mental health issues because we are unhappy, hate our job, it’s raining, or our family are being dickheads. Even if all of those things were perfect, sadly it’s just the way our brain is wired. You may be having the most perfect day but you’re still feeling a little sad or anxious and that’s okay.
The good news is all is not lost and we can train our brain to work in our favour.
Now, as you know I am no professional in this, I’m a fucking mess huns. But, I am learning how to control it more, spotting the signs, and trying to break down why I feel the way I do. Sometimes there isn’t an answer and that is because our brains suck. It will probably take me all of my life and I will never be in full control, but having a tiny bit more compared to yesterday is a plus in my book.
It’s okay to still feel sad even when the world around you is the best it’s been. It is your brain being an absolute dipshit. It has nothing to do with you.
We aren’t ungrateful, we don’t need to beat ourselves up that we aren’t happy all the time. Even those that don’t struggle with their mental health aren’t happy all the time. Those psychopaths that smile non-stop, always seem happy and greet strangers with a hug and probably a finger up the bum aren’t happy all the time either, it’s lies.
We have to do what is best for our minds, and sometimes it’s just a case of riding it out. But never forget, it isn’t a reflection on you. Our brains are just a little fucked and that’s okay. We are still awesome.
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