I feel like I am constantly writing about my anxiety struggles, but, sadly it’s a part of me and as I write about my life this is part of the package. Soz huns.
I’ve been doing so well lately. My moods have been good for the most part and I am trying to do small things that I’m scared to do. Sometimes I do these things without batting an eyelid. I still can’t believe I was dancing to the Macarena a few weeks ago, sober, with no scared feelings, no anxiety, just smiles and laughter.
Then this weekend came along and we decided to go out for lunch. We went to our local pub and had lush food. But, the whole time I was there, the anxiety in my chest was ridiculous. I wanted to run away screaming and crying, instead I sat there silently screaming and trying my hardest not to cry. After all, I didn’t really want to abandon my steak, it was delicious.
I find myself being more anxious in places where there are people I know. Sometimes I’m not up to a conversation, or I worry I will say something that will make me look stupid. This overthinking malarky is exhausting.
I had practiced a few answers before I had even left my house, to obvious questions that may be asked. “What are you up to now?” “How is the book going?” Both normal nice questions to ask, but if I feel I’m not prepared for them, my mind jumbles up and I can’t even remember my name.
I was so disappointed by how bad I felt. I had been doing so well and it just felt like a huge slap in my face. Situations like that always take me a while to recover, so for the next few hours I felt like shit trying to calm myself down.
It’s like when you have one of those days where you feel like you can’t drive and the only way to fix it is to stop driving for that day and start again tomorrow. That’s how I feel. Going to another place, or talking to other people after feeling like that can send me into a spiral where I feel like I can’t even speak.
Apparently it isn’t noticeable from the outside, which I suppose can only be a good thing. But, I wish I didn’t feel it inside. It’s like a face mask that promises to stop you looking tired. Okay, great but how do I stop feeling tired.
We have good days we have bad days. Sometimes the bad out way the good, but I’ve learnt that it is so important to relish in those good days or moments. Try not to stress that a bad day may be coming tomorrow. Focus on the here and now, and you never know, that one good day could turn into two good days, a week, and before we know it the bad days have fucked off and left us alone. YAY!!
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